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10 things no-one tells you about breastfeeding - but I will

10 things no-one tells you about breastfeeding - but I will

No-one said breastfeeding is easy but, to be honest, no-one says a lot about breastfeeding. Apart from the preachery “breast is best,” the truth about breastfeeding is often left uncovered. So I’m sharing with you the 10 truths behind breastfeeding (take a deep breath- this ain’t gonna be pretty.

1) You'll probably have a lazy boob

Like it or not, one boob WILL decide they just can't be arsed. And as a result (let's call it competitive boob syndrome)  the OTHER boob will decide it wants to supply as much milk as humanely possible ALL IN ONE GO. Yup, you'll have one A* boob and one D- in the achievement stakes. As a result, one book is very likely to be triple the size of the other (See point 4 for more info).

2)Nursing covers are a bloody scam

I bought every one. LITERALLY. EVERY. ONE. And what did I end up using? A bloody muslin tied in a knot around my neck. Why? Because muslins are so much EASIER, Nursing covers might 'claim' to be  ‘the essential for discrete feeding' but I am yet to meet one that actually works.  By the time you have worked out how to get it around your neck, slipped your arm through the right hole and positioned your wriggling baby underneath you might as well have screamed out to everyone in the coffee shop "I AM GETTING MY BOOB OUT NOW AND ATTEMPTING TO HIDE IT UNDER THIS MONSTROUSLY UGLY NURSING COVER." 

3)You can eat, and eat, and eat....and not put on any weight.

DISCLAIMER - AS soon as you STOP breastfeeding then you continue to eat, eat, eat and the weight just piles itself back on (Yup there’s that honestly I was talking about!)

4)You will end up waterboarding your baby

Nipples leak, and squirt and produce a HUGE AMOUNT OF MILK AT THE EXACT TIME YOU DONT WANT THEM TO. Usually when your baby is positioned underneath, smiling and waiting for his breakfast. And what happens? As your 'let down' occurs  it is essentially like 'letting down' Niagra falls. In your baby's face.

5)You have to rejig your wardrobe - goodbye tight fitting and high neck tops

It's all about easy boob access. That is literally ALL you will care about when breastfeeding. Gone are the tight fitting Joseph cashmeres or the Whistles high neck winter polo you were desperate to wear. In their place? Anything with zips, buttons or (dare we admit it) one of those 'ooh look I can lift this up and my bob falls out the bottom” tops that are 'on trend' in maternity clothes outlets. 


6) Your boobs will quite literally change size every day  

Want to have DD boobs? I can give you that on a Monday. Fancy testing out a left 34B and a right 36C? Yup, scheduled in for tuesday. Boobs filled with milk equals boobs of continual different sizes. Just get used to it.

7) Hello there Drips, stains and leaks

 All hail the sanitary towel for the nipple (aka nipple pads.) Without these genius inventions you will constantly walk around with milk stains on your t-shirts (not quite the look you were going for right?) Also, when you are breastfeeding, one boob will always leak whilst your baby feeds off the other boob. So you essentially end up sitting in a pool of milk. My advice? Make sure you have plenty of muslins to hand

8. You WILL wake up in a wet patch

Oh yes, that milk likes to leak at the most inconvenient times. Such as when you have just nodded off to sleep  (having spent 4 hours trying the baby to sleep!). Suddenly, mid dream you are awoken by the strange sensation that you are lying in a sticky, sickly wet patch. And you are...yup, that will be your milk (dare I say the smell is also AWFUL? Change those sheets immediately!)

9. It can make you feel isolated 

If you're not one of those "I love breastfeeding, it's so natural and lovely' type mothers then (ahem, this is so NOT me)  this one is for you. I HATED breastfeeding, particularly in public, which meant whenever my bady needed feeing I whisked myself upstairs (or at times to the disabled toilets) and breasted there...alone and isolated. The solution - download a good box set and set aside breastfeeding time as YOUR time. It's not often you have an excuse to sit by yourself and watch Made in Chelsea on repeat (I mean David Attenborough, um, David Attenborough...)

  10. You will probably end up expressing in the disabled toilet or a portaloo  

Fancy a nice big glass of wine or  a trip to a festival? Yup, that portaLoo or disabled Loo is your new best friend. I’m being serious. Strangely, yes seriously, serious.


What are your breastfeeding truths? Let me know in the comments below. Tiff x  

The most honest thing you'll ever read: The dirty little secrets of parenting

The most honest thing you'll ever read: The dirty little secrets of parenting

*Filming with Mumsnet* - Top Weaning tips

*Filming with Mumsnet* - Top Weaning tips